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SILENCE

Recently, I sat in the hurt and sadness, and actually, despair, of a long time silence.

A wise and courageous man gave some possibilities of how silence may come about for a man.

In his willingness to answer my question …

“Any tips on what may be going on for a man when he does not respond?”

… and this is what he provided:

  • overwhelmed by the issue raised
  • fear or concern of how his response will be received
  • holding in anger
  • really not wanting to face the questions
  • wanting the person talking to just go away
  • embarrassed
  • simply lost for words
  • shame

I felt compelled to add:

  • control
  • guilt

The spiritual element of being human promotes SILENCE as a magical component of peace and coming closer to awareness.

I have certainly experienced this joy… and continue to do so in my morning practise.

So, how can it be that there is a flip side to this human experience that can cut so deeply?

Given there is hurt, I still have work to do on myself. That’s all there is!!

Oh, is the painful silence reflective of my own silence around what is important to me? And the manner I have been going about trying to “get” my former husband to talk, leads me to giving up full of sadness, frustration and despair!!

Writing this, I hear push.

Force.

What if: I was to share the FEELINGS running through me and what NEEDS would be met through him providing communication?

And for me to remember, behind EVERYTHING people do or say, there is a GOOD REASON.

An opportunity for me to practise a new language that brings connection.

https://beyondthebranches.com.au/

 

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EMASCULATION of a MAN

How do women castrate (that is, emasculate) males?

This can be a very touchy concept for women.

Women could try arguing back to this question and avoid answering it, by bringing focus on what men do to women.

However, for the sake of taking an angle and starting somewhere, here is a list of where women potentially attempt to take a man’s power away from him … depriving him of strength, power or efficiency … in order to weaken.

This was the exploring we dived into in The Art of Loving Men series.

If a woman can find a way to make a man smaller than her, she will.

Let’s face it, men have had the “power over” position. Where in times gone by, women couldn’t vote, they were controlled by what the man wanted, ensured the man was fed every night, etc…

The women’s movement shifted the pendulum totally the opposite direction. Could it be a possible “pay back”?

The following is an attempt to list how women may attain to the “power over” position with men:

– compete against men (I can beat him in an arm wrestle)

– expose their weaknesses (You can write better than that)

– shutting their ideas down (blowing off their ideas or suggestions)

– woman having the last say (interrupting or redirecting)

– rejecting their assistance (I can do that myself)

– cutting them short when they are speaking or ending their sentences for them before they find the words they want to say (taking over)

– knowing more than them

– not needing a man’s help (not needing them for anything important to you)

– comparison either to the “perfect person” or to how, or what, a woman would do

– withholding appreciation, admiration, sex

– refusing to let them impress you

– not trusting them

– disinterested in their passions

– complain about them

– expecting them to act the same as females

– ignore them

– criticise them

– demean their earning abilities

– mothering

– not letting them “earn points” through providing

– impatience

A little background:

Women can push to explain things.

They are generally not happy with just observing behaviour.

So, a woman dives into defining a man’s behaviour… which means the woman may go through the lense of seeing the man as “misbehaving” … which means, in her mind, he does not love her, care about her or respect her!

So when a woman thinks this way, she will try to explain “why” a man does not do these 3 things.

Look out … she will then entangle herself in the web of comparing herself to the “Perfect Person” in order to get his love, care and respect.

Or compare the man to the “Perfect Person”…. so, are women actually seeing men as “misbehaving women”??

Through this mindset, which reaches beyond partnerships of man and woman, also mother and son, teacher and student, etc., women may be constantly seeing there is something wrong with them and being “not good enough”, or they will be putting pressure on the male to respond like a female would! Hence, her treatment of him. This leads to so much disconnection and destruction.

Awareness journal this week was to:

  1. ask a man where I do any of the above to him,
  2. watch myself and other women doing any of these things to males
  3. notice how men respond

I recall witnessing this castration in schools .. even with prep boys. The body language of rounded shoulders, paralysed silence, and smallness were sure tell tales to the effect of this treatment by staff and fellow students!!

Time to change where the pendulum hangs… and embracing “power with”.

*this work comes from The Queens Code and NVC (NonViolent Communication) … and my own exploring of such a topic and it’s effect on how we relate to each other.

BeyondtheBranches, working with young people, and this “women’s weekly” series, brings awareness to a new language where the “behaviour language” shifts into using a language based on FEELINGS and NEEDS .. to build connection with self and others!!

https://beyondthebranches.com.au/

HURT

Every human experiences hurt.

Whether it be by falling over and grazing a knee, or the words others say to us, or the actions of others that leave us confused, lost or annoyed … we feel.

These feelings of hurt are uncomfortable.

Parents with their young children run to aid a crying child who has “hurt” themselves.

Teachers punishing another student when their actions have “hurt” another’s feelings, that may bring:

… an aching heart

… a pitted feeling in the stomach

… a throat choking up

… a flood of tears

… screaming or sobbing or rage

WHAT IF … we had someone sit beside us as we felt this “hurt” and that was it.

No need to change the pain.

Just sit in the releasing of this pain as it moves through the body.

In the animal kingdom, animals allow their bodies to shake the trauma through their bodies, then it’s done.

With all the rescuing and judging and blaming that goes on with humans, the hurt continues and spreads far and wide. It even has a chance of coming up years down the track through it being shut down back when it first happened.
If you are married, ever had a wife bring up a hurt from 20 years ago, in a current argument?

WHAT IF … we sat in our uncomfortable feelings, with no blame?

Last year, I had the absolute pleasure of sitting with a 6yo with a grazed knee, after they fell over.

As they cried, I just sat beside them.
There was bleeding, yet not excessive.

Every now again I would say what I saw:

“Look at those tears running down your cheek. Some are going into your ear”
“I see your breath has stopped”

Around me, I listened to other kids and adults rushing over to offer band aids, and even another adult who may actually do something!!

Panic.

Rescue… quick, stop the noise, the hurt, the sadness, the blood, the ….

WHAT IF … we just teach what it is like to feel the uncomfortable.
Teach that we have choice about what we focus on!

Could we then learn to not be so afraid as adults?

We can sit in the hurt and have an awareness of our breath, of the colour the hurt is and how far it extends through our body.

No pressure to be anywhere or anything but right now.

Back to that 6yo child, without any comforting touch, that young person sat in the whole experience on the ground with myself and friends just sitting in silence.

We all witnessed the hurt start, climax, mellow out and wow … turn into laughter!!

Every part of life can be magical … if we let it and are open to feeling!!

Imagine a world that is open to feeling?.

P.s if any words from others hurt us, it simply means we have taken them personally!!! Whose work is it to do … our own!!

 

TRUST

As kids, we are raised under the idea that lying is wrong.

Yet, every human being does it.

If it’s part of being human, then what’s it’s story?

What if we took a dive into what the “good reason” is behind lying?

What might we find?

As I stand today … with my passion for dropping the judgement on behaviour and the punishing or rewarding constructs that supposedly promote “good” behaviour – truth, in this case … I have come to see lying as a gift!
Yes, that’s right a GIFT!

What if … we feel unsafe to be seen, heard and valued for what is alive in us in any given moment, that we hide that part of us from the world, through telling a lie?

What if … we have been honest at some point and been punished for our honesty, that we turn to lying as an option for our own protection?

What if … we have tried to openly share with others and they have not listened, so we do not trust them to hear our vulnerable selves, so we tell them what we think they want to hear? We lie.

What if … we feel so embarrassed by parts of ourselves, that we feel like to be accepted we need to hide those parts from the world?

What if … we have watched others get punished for saying their truth, so keeping the peace on the outside becomes our go to, despite our inside being in conflict and turmoil!!

Today, I was asked “Why would you trust me?”.

So, what does trust look like?

This is what came in my response….

We hear ourselves … when we are in each other’s company – in person or written.

We hear each other. Completely. To the best of our ability and that may mean owning when we are not hearing!

Through this, safety is present.

I accept all of me .. even the expressive self .. in your company.

I feel safe to totally show up with you.

I see, hear and feel an acceptance of all that I am.

This is the foundation of trust.

My vision ….

https://filmsforchange.stream/programs/rediscovery

This movie, named “Rediscovery”, brings a group of kids into nature for their classroom … to come closer to themselves and mother earth… to live and experience:

Problem solving.
Embracing all ideas, all experiences … knowing that in any given moment we are all being the best version of ourselves.

Togetherness with self.
Togetherness with community.
Trust building.

Awareness.
Stillness.
Play.

Igniting creativity.
Self responsibility.

Purpose.

This IS BeyondtheBranches… and my vision of offering a place for each person to come closer to themselves through nature and others. The Art of authentic Connection.

Come join us …

http://https://beyondthebranches.com.au/

TRUE ‘YES’ or ‘NO’

How clear am I on my ‘yes’ and my ‘no’?

As a tiny little tacker I was clear on what this was, for me.

Then something conflicting happened.

If my ‘yes’ or ‘no’ did not match my parents (as just one example – schools and society are 2 others), I was judged as being “wrong” .. then punished or threatened.

Punished and threatened to bring conformity?

Quickly, I learnt to shut me down.

The punishment, or threat of punishment, became my fear of being true to myself.

The power of “fitting in” and needing my parent’s “love” overrode my inner guidance.

I began to trust and follow my parents more than myself. I was in survival mode.

 

As an adult today, I see one of my skills as being listening.

Over and over, I am hearing so many sharing how they are saying ‘yes’ when it is a ‘no’ for them. I hear these same people speak into such things as resentment, shame, guilt, disappointment, sadness, annoyance, blame – the list is long.

Leaving our own truth, to supposedly get freedom to do other things, how can this ever be sustainable? And how can any certainty be guaranteed around if you do this, you will get that?

I remember me as a parent saying to my kids when they were younger, “If you clean your room, then we will go to the beach”. How many times did I add more onto that request, beyond just cleaning the room?

 

THIS DAY IN OCTOBER …

Nestled into the sand dunes with pen and paper, as the waves roll in before my eyes and the birds sing and dance in the coastal shrub behind, it came to me that the healing lies in simply… being true to ourselves.

The time has come to listen and heal our “inner child” – whose truth has been suppressed.

Time to heal those moments we were punished for speaking our truth.

Asking self ….

Who didn’t listen and value you little “girl”? What shut you down little “girl”?

Who didn’t listen and value you little ‘boy’? What shut you down little “boy”?

 

Freedom has only come for me through speaking my own truth. Trusting myself to fully show up. It is scary.

How anyone else receives me, well, that is there business. And if I am triggered by their reaction, it is my work.

I am saddened to hear how many teenagers, and younger, are labelled rebellious or disrespectful or the like, when they speak into their truth.

Maybe it comes out harshly or loudly. Is this because they are speaking against a force?

Then there is the flip side – those who quietly go about doing what everyone else around them wants (people pleasing)… despite them churning internally because they cannot speak their truth.

 

I have decided to challenge myself:

When it is a ‘no’ for me, can I stand by that?

When it is a ‘yes’ for me, can I stand true to that?

Are you in on this too?

It may mean something familiar is given up today, but what comes tomorrow is beyond your wildest imagination. And the smile that fills every part of you because you stayed true to yourself, is magical.

 

What if …

Healing self, heals planet and humanity. Nothing on the outside of self can heal, until we do our own work.

https://beyondthebranches.com.au/

Letting go of the “rescuing” role

Dawn breaks and one just never knows what “gifts” await us.

I was standing atop a sand dune expressing my gratitude as the sun rose. A lady’s voice… “What do you think we should do?” she asks.

Oh, she was talking to me!
A seal was washed up on the beach with an outgoing tide. I noticed myself go into “rescue” mode. Let’s do this. Let’s do that.

Oddly, there was an uncomfortableness with trying to find all the options in order to “save” this most adorable creature.
There was also an uncomfortableness, in me, about the responses from rescue centres the lady tried calling, who advised to just let nature take it’s course.

Over breakfast, something stirred inside me.

A burning desire to simply lie beside this, now named: Arctic Fur seal (who was, apparently, 2000kms out of it’s territory).

So, I rugged up and nestled in beside this peaceful being.

The morning lady was gone.

Passers by seemed to not notice anything beyond their own focus.

So it was just the Arctic Fur seal and myself… like we were the only beings on the entire planet!!

We looked into each other’s eyes many times. I talked. I lay. It breathed slowly and moved infrequently.
It’s whole being seemed totally accepting of whatever was. No fight.

As we lay close to each other, I came to see the beauty in accepting. I accepted it and it accepted me .. that much, that I lay close enough to caress it’s back. There was talk, silence, listening and breathing together.

Every time this seal opened it’s eyes, we somehow saw each other as our eyes danced together.
Had we met before?

As the cold winds began to reach my core, and after many hours of our time together, I felt it was ok now for me to leave.
I expressed my gratitude for the magic of the gift of this Arctic Fur seal and our togetherness.

This is at the heart of BeyondtheBranches. Meet myself and other beings where we are all at. No push to change. No desire to rescue.

I pose the question: Where do we step in to save others, particularly our own kids, when actually it may be stopping them from experiencing what they need to grow within themselves? 

Curious to learn more?

Listening with curiosity, one key to all communication.

How easy it has been for me to judge other’s behaviour. Noticing that this often brought disconnection with the other, and an uncomfortable feeling running through me. Being on a journey of unpacking what judging others has given me, I explored what could happen if I trusted rather than controlled.

Last week in a PE class with Prep students, I had the honour of being part of “Listening with Curiosity”. No judgement, meant no right or wrong, just a level of understanding from all involved, and an outcome that we all enjoyed.

Teaching the junior students is often filled with many littlies calling my name for so many different reasons. This day, I noticed a feeling of frustration building, created by the many interruptions taking me away from being present while a student was learning to ride a bike.

Upon my name being called again … I turned and asked this little girl, “Is it important?”

She replied with a “Yes, this boy (who shall remain nameless) kissed me”.

I noticed the worry in her eyes.

Asking the rest of the class to help us out by packing up all the sports equipment, gave this boy and girl the space to face each other and a “Listen with Curiosity” moment was created. From that, connection and understanding.

Girl: “What is your good reason for kissing me?”

Boy: “I really like playing with you.”

Girl (whose eyes lit up): “Oh … well I really like playing with you too.”

Silence for a moment – taking in this awareness.

Boy: “How did you feel when I kissed you?”

Girl: “I felt scared. You have germs and you kissed me, and now I have germs and now I am not going to see my friends again, because I am going to die because I have covid.”

By this time, the girl is on the edge of tears.

The 3 of us sat in stillness taking in her fear.

After a moment my intuition guided me, acknowledging her fear, I asked: “Do you kiss your mum or dad?”

Girl: “Yes, of course I do. But they don’t have covid.”

I responded to this with: “How do you know?”

The girl’s eyes seemed to sit in contemplation. Something shifted in her awareness and perception of the situation we all found ourselves in.

Girl speaking to the boy: “Next time you want to kiss me, could you ask me first. Now let’s go help pack up.”

My heart sang pure joy …. because in that moment I was filled with immense gratitude for the art of “Listening with Curiosity.” A vital part of clear communication. A key to connection.

The ripple effect of this reaction to undesired behaviour

Has anyone tried to tell a peacock: “You can’t do that (whatever the that is)”

These 4 words have become an automatic response to behaviour we want to change.
I have become curious in noticing, particularly children, the reaction when this statement is directed their way from an adult.

The shoulders curve and fall forward. They somehow seem to become “small”. There can be a welling up in the eyes. Is it sadness or frustration, I wonder? Ah, yes there is rage being stored away, in some too.

The body language shows a kind of “call for help” to the other person who seems to have the support of the adult right now.
It’s like: “Go on tell them what you did. Help me. This is not all my fault. I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I don’t deserve to be blamed or persecuted like this. Surely you will listen to me… cos you understand, don’t you?”

But no… this deemed “wrong” person walks away with all kinds of inferior beliefs about themselves, others, and the world around them… and another layer to that internal volcano that may never erupt but suppressed through various means once in adulthood. Drugs, alcohol, self harming, another long list!

Some of the inferior beliefs from that childhood moment can include…
“They are not fair. The world is not fair…”
“Nobody listens to me”
“Nobody really cares”
“There is something wrong with me”
“I don’t fit in here… or anywhere”
“I hate them”
The list is extensive.

The messages this situation is sending to the person judged as being “right” can be just as damaging!
(with such beliefs as: I am a victim. I need saving. If I am louder or more forceful, I will be heard more.)

What if?

What is the reaction when the question is asked: “What is your good reason for doing …?”
Tall posture. Chest protrudes. Eyes open. Yes, a readiness to share. Someone is listening without judging. Someone is willing to stand in this with me and really let me explore and face what is actually going on.

Underneath every action, there is ALWAYS a good reason. Yes, even murder! That was hard for me to comprehend up until a few years ago.

If we take time to listen, like really listen with an open heart and curiosity, the ripple effect can be life changing.

Some benefits include…
Self-confidence, connection with oneself, a language to communicate feelings rather than needing to use behaviour as a means to communicate there is a problem, etc

Behaviour changes organically through conscious listening.
Force is replaced with understanding and awareness and growth .. for all.

Behind the mask of behaviour

Have you ever experienced showing up at school as a youngster, or work as an adult, and feeling like you had to hide – or shut down – what is alive in you in the now?

Did you ever want someone to just notice something wasn’t right for you?

Have you ever yearned for someone to stop and be still enough, that they would sit and listen to you – and actually not “rescue” you or fix what they perceived the problem to be?

Well, here lies a story that touched me deeply…

Taking a Year 10 English class around halfway through the school day, a teenage girl sat up the front of the class on her own, with a forlorn face. Her peers were further back in the classroom. Upon the class requirements being presented, the students at the back proceeded to undertake the tasks.

Noticing this female student had not opened any of her books to make a start, this is what unfolded…
I simply said, “I noticed you have not opened your books yet.”

Her response of “I am not doing any work”, clearly indicated something was more alive in her than school.

Accepting where she was at, I sat the Bear Cards on her table and invited her to select any cards she was feeling right now .. then walked away.

Noticing she had finished with the Bear Cards, I returned to ask how she felt about me sitting beside her.
She then proceeded to share her “good reasons” for picking out the 3 cards she did. Each card represented something deeply significant for her.

Turned out, her favourite uncle had died the night before.

Her acknowledgement of what was alive for her, her willingness to share with me, led us into a discussion about why he was the favourite uncle, what death meant for her and what she was missing about her uncle.

For the rest of that English class, this student wrote a tribute to her favourite uncle and walked out of that English class with a smile.

We can all make a difference … through meeting people where they are at!

Dropping the agenda and becoming present!

Author: Margie Matheson

  https://beyondthebranches.com.au