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IN THE ART OF CONNECTING …

The BEAR Cards are an essential part of my teaching day. They create a gentle place of identifying feelings without words needing to be found (initially). These cards have assisted many students, primary and secondary, in many classrooms including PE, breakdown the myth that we need not share what is really going on inside us. And that it is really lonely when we are sitting in those uncomfortable feelings. Nobody would understand, so no point sharing!

These cards have been used in Circle Time OR if there is defiant or unusual behaviour present.

One October morning in 2019, I was teaching in a Year 1/2 class of a Victorian country school, where a girl, quiet in nature, was looking upset.

I offered her the pack of BEAR Cards. She was invited to pick out the ones that reflected what was alive in her, in that moment.

This is what she shared …

“This card is “CURIOUS” because what have I done to deserve this treatment?

This card is “SAD” because I feel like my brother doesn’t want me anymore.

This card is “HURT”. I want to run away so no one can blame me anymore.

This card is “FRIGHTENED” because of all the punishments my mum and dad have.

This card is “WORRIED”. I cannot have fun because I am worried I will do something wrong and get punished.

This card is “DOUBT”. I start to think I have done something wrong, even when I haven’t.

This card is “AFRAID”. I don’t want to be seen because I feel really sad. All this sadness makes me tired.”

https://innovativeresources.org/resources/card-sets/bears-cards/

Funnily enough, this girl bounced off into the rest of her day. Just like that!!

It seemed enough, that in that moment she was heard. That was it!!!

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Beyond the “Branches”

I walk into a Yr 10 English class as a CRT (Substitute teacher).

All the students head to the desks at the back of the classroom, getting out their books and laptops to begin what they already seemed to know for this class.

All except one female student who sat at the very front desk.

Her energy felt dark, heavy and sad.

In walking past her, I said:

“I noticed the books for this class are not opened yet”.

Her response:

“No Miss, I will not be opening them”.

I walked to my basket, picked up the “Bear Cards” (52 feelings cards – no words – just pictures of bears), sat them on her desk inviting her to pick out the ones she was feeling in the now.

Upon returning after a stroll around the room past all students, I noticed 2 cards had been pulled out of the pack.

I spoke:

“I noticed 2 cards have been pulled out. May I sit here (pointing to the spare seat beside her).”

With a “yes” response, I sat down.

“What does this card mean to you?” I asked.

She picked up the first card, sharing her favourite uncle died last night.

“OH …”

I asked if anyone in this class knew what she was going through today.

“No”.

I asked if anyone at this school knew.

“No one”.

The second card represented her feelings around her parents insisting she go to school today.

Using this young woman’s language, like “I miss him”, we dove into what she would miss.

We explored what she loved and appreciated about him.

I invited her to write a tribute to him during this English class.

I noticed her commitment and focus on this “letter” for the remainder of class – the last one for this day.

 

Standing at the door as the class walked out, she smiled.

I smile.

She may not have done the set task that day (according to the pre-planned curriculum), yet in the most profound way, she completed the set task of that PRESENT moment.

CONNECTING TO THE ROOTS … far beyond the surface view of what we “think” we are seeing … grows a connection of LOVE.

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Care to FEEL

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The Power of Listening

We all know where “home” is (our pure heart truth), yet layers upon layers cover it up.

Here lies an example of how:-

 

The phone in back corner of classroom rings. (Names have been changed for this reflection from last week).

Please send student Poppy to office for her medications – is the request.

As the teacher, I pass on the request to Poppy … and continue teaching 28 students in this Yr1 class.

Next thing there is an adult in the room pushing for Poppy to follow the instruction of medication needs to be taken. She clearly says “No”.

She was pressured by 2 adults to do as she was told.

She did this time – with a rage and resentment energy.

 

The next day, same phone call… and again Poppy chose to stay in her seat.

This time, I knelt beside this 7yo girl and asked what her good reason was for not moving.

“I hate the tablets. They taste awful and make me feel sick.”

What is your understanding of their purpose? I ask.

“I get angry. I hurt people near me when I feel angry. These are supposed to keep me calm. But I hate them.”

 

My heart sank.

This girl – and every human – knows what is best for them. One of the needs we have is TO BE HEARD.

When this NEED is not met ….

Rage!

This internal rage will NOT go away with medications.

It is simply numbed and buried further.

 

What if ….

The rage was HEARD, EXPRESSED and RELEASED and treated with the compassion and respect it is needing?

What if …

Screaming with trees, then earthing in the dirt with our hands, teaches us to HEAR and HONOUR what is alive in the NOW.

Simply put …

Tools to stand in all the colour of this human experience… because there is nothing wrong with us!

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HANDS

A little act .. how it can touch so deeply.

How a moment between my teenage self and my Great Uncle Gordon, could bring tears this morning … as I looked across at a huge tree with its branches, filled with green leaves, sweeping the ground.

A remembering comes over me.

I remember visiting Uncle Gordon on Sundays.

Tomato sandwiches and bananas.

His favourite.

Our family would sit in the gardens of Kew Cottages – and as Uncle Gordon slowly took in each bite of these gifts, I notice the splendour of such huge green trees touching the ground.

And peacocks.

Such colour, peace & splendour.

 

Something didn’t feel right though …

What was the purpose of those heavy stone walls beyond the gardens?

Those thick locked dungeon doors.

The cold.

The dark.

The echo of a door slamming shut.

Shiny floors.

Men with heavy sets of so many keys hanging by their side.

 

I remember thinking:

Why is Uncle Gordon imprisoned like this?

But I accepted it and never proposed anything different to what was.

 

His fishing & hunting stories in the early days on Phillip Island captivated me.

And him living through that tossing of a coin between 2 brothers  … about who would go off to war and who would stay home to run the family farm… then the loss of a brother who never returned from that war.

 

One day in 1986, our family was invited in to say our final goodbyes to Uncle Gordon.

I am so deeply grateful that our parents valued him (and our connection with him) as much as they did, that this invitation was accepted.

There – in this small, cold, single bed, white room – lay this man.

Motionless except for the rising and falling of his chest.

 

After being with him for the last time, mum & dad signalled time to go.

Something came over me.

There was this very clear message telling me to sit beside Uncle Gordon and hold his hand.

(Another moment of : thank goodness my parents listened to me instead of pushing to go when they had said!)

 

As I sat beside Uncle Gordon, holding his hand, his eyes closed, I had no idea if he could hear me.

But I spoke anyway.

 

I whispered some words …

…. encompassing my love for him

…. and that it was ok for him to let go.

 

Then this miracle.

Uncle Gordon squeezed my hand!

 

His presence is strong here now .. as I take in that green sweeping tree in front of me.

Tears flow.

 

As I feel this energy running through me, peace eventually comes.

Breath helps.

 

The gift of this moment then bubbles up :

Where have we imprisoned ourselves?

How often have we accepted things – even when it didn’t feel right?

 

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Listening – or not!

Conversation MUST have a TALKER & a LISTENER …

who are present to themselves and their FEELINGS, NEEDS, and their MESSAGE …

to be WORTHY of our time & energy, their time & energy …

and an HONEST world to live in.

So, what happens when a LISTENER does not hear the speaker in the way they would like?

Disconnection.

Recently, a woman I deeply respect and value, was sharing her experience in a group activity.

I was so focused on where I was headed to next in the session, that my response discounted her experience she was willing to share.

So, as the LISTENER, I was so busy listening to my future self in my head …. that I totally missed being present & truly LISTENING to her.

The woman’s response, through her body language, looked like – confused eyes, shrugged shoulders, and an energy that gave off disappointment. I feel this now, yet ignored it back then.

I was so consumed by my head going like the clappers with some “teaching” moment, that I missed the connection between both of us.

How’s that – I invited feedback … then didn’t listen to it!!

Now, what’s fascinates me about this moment … is all the times in my life where I have been misheard and just let it go … which is what this woman chose to do too.

The only problem with this … from that one moment, a RESENTMENT seed has been planted.

The other part to this situation being, I became the TALKER and no longer the LISTENER.

OUCH!!

Then this AAHHHAAA moment …

This is the BIRTHING of roles we play out as kids (yes, and as parents) in our families – such as people pleasing (including “nice” boy, “good” girl), victim, perpetrator (through manipulating & controlling), smothering (over mothering).

I even recall saying to myself in years gone by as a mum of 3, “Oh yes, I am doing this because I love my kids”!!!

OH NO!!!

So, next time we are in, or witnessing, a conversation, can we feel any of these present?

  1. Talker chooses to not fully speak their TRUTH … or shut down what they really have to say … because they sense the listener is not listening.
  2. The LISTENER takes over the talking and the original talker ALLOWS this.
  3. Talker keeps talking without any awareness that the LISTENER is not listening… and the listener continues to be a DISENGAGED listener (who may even be standing there planning what’s for dinner!!)
  4. The ROLES of People Pleasing or Victim (shows up through blame or criticism) are alive with listener or talker.

Conversation MUST have a TALKER & a LISTENER who are present to themselves and their FEELINGS, NEEDS, and their MESSAGE … to be WORTHY of our time, their time and an HONEST world to live in.

ALSO:

How many times I shut down what I was wanting to say because I questioned my worthiness to be heard or dived into self-doubt.

Whenever this shutting self down tries to creep in, this helps me:

“Choose DISCOMFORT over RESENTMENT”

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An honouring of NO and it’s value

The web being noticed ….

 

If we are unable to RECEIVE someone else’s NO, how can we GIVE our own NO?

This, for me, highlights the relationship between GIVING and RECEIVING.

We must understand, accept and appreciate one – to have value with the other.

(Like we must have hot to understand cold.)

And this has been a great challenge for me!

 

I was raised with what seemed like lots of NO.

And what was the ripple effect for me?

In today’s language, I was a PEOPLE PLEASER.

I had no healthy boundaries.

I was a YES person because there was no way I was dishing out any NOs.

 

I became a parent who did the opposite … giving lots of YES.

I was a wife that became pushy and insistent that I had YES to things that were a NO to my then husband.

The strategies (manipulation tools) I would use to “get” a yes, included ….

Pleading or pestering (nagging)

Over-talking with my point of view / lots of questions

Crying

Punishment or threats

Go to another person whom would give me a YES

Tried the guilt thing too .. ouch writing that right now

Withdrawal of love

Silence

Many tools I learnt in order to avoid receiving that dreaded NO.

 

I was living in a dysfunctional relationship with him, with myself, and with YES and NO.

Which meant I GAVE lots and was controlling in how and what I RECEIVED.

I thought I had to do everything myself – this avoided that NO thing.

 

What is the ripple effect in raising kids in this YES environment … and push to get a YES?

What relationship with YES and NO do our kids have?

That is a whole different chapter.

 

However, one thing I am noticing is that TAKING and ALLOWING … without presence in knowing & honouring our healthy BOUNDARIES … is creating a lot of pain across all generations … and with our earth.

For this to shift, there must be a healing in our relationship with NO and ACCEPTANCE of this word.

Yes, as parents, it means listening to our kid’s NO too.

Listening to their “good reason” for it being a NO for them.

 

Then, we may just see a change in how GIVING & RECEIVING shows up with an open joy.

A world built on a foundation of honouring self, others, healthy boundaries, trust, intuition and natural flow.

FREEDOM and SAFETY and RESPECT … and we all have the ability to CHOOSE this!!

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Letting go of the “rescuing” role

Dawn breaks and one just never knows what “gifts” await us.

I was standing atop a sand dune expressing my gratitude, as the sun rose. A lady’s voice… “What do you think we should do?” she asks.

Oh, she was talking to me!
A seal was washed up on the beach with an outgoing tide. I noticed myself go into “rescue” mode. Let’s do this. Let’s do that.

Oddly, there was an uncomfortableness with trying to find all the options in order to “save” this most adorable creature.
There was also an uncomfortableness, in me, about the responses from rescue centres who advised to just let nature take it’s course.

Over breakfast, something stirred inside me.

A burning desire to simply lie beside this, now named: Arctic Fur seal (who was, apparently, 2000kms out of it’s territory).

So, I rugged up and nestled in beside this peaceful being.
We looked into each other’s eyes many times. I talked. I lay. It breathed slowly and moved infrequently.
It’s whole being seemed totally accepting of whatever was to come. No fight.

As we lay close to each other, I came to see the beauty in accepting.

I accepted it and it accepted me .. that much, that I lay close enough to caress it’s back.

There was talk, silence, listening.
Every time this seal opened it’s eyes, we somehow saw each other as our eyes danced together.
Had we met before?

As the cold winds began to reach my core, and after many hours of our time together, I felt it was ok now for me to leave.
I expressed my gratitude for the magic of the gift of this Arctic Fur seal and our togetherness.

This is at the heart of BeyondtheBranches.

Meet myself and other beings where we are at. No push to change. No desire to rescue.

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SAVING or HELPING

I have often pondered on what the difference is between these 2 concepts.

When we think we are “helping” someone, are we in the long run?

Did they ask for help?

Or did we just dive in and give it – thinking we know what the other person wants?

I am learning, sometimes the hard way, that if help is not asked for … then I am “saving” and it is destined for hurt – to me and, at some point, the other person too… and even, down the track, the connection between the 2 of us.

With a great deal of interest, I have witnessed what happens when little ones (actually, people in general) fall over and hurt themselves.

My observations are this:

* an adult rushes over to stop/ease the crying/hurt

* words like “it will be ok” are used

* maybe a bandaid is pulled out

* sometimes a comforting hug

Now, while all this may sound like the “right” thing to do … what is the message that this sends to the fallen person?

Could it be … pain is not ok to feel. It must be stopped as quickly as possible.

Peter Levine’s book: “Waking the Tiger” … shares insights into the bodily responses an animal goes through to release any “trauma” in the moment … then it is done. No residual left in the body.

I tried this approach on yard duty at a primary school.

A child fell over.

A friend came running to tell me.

I sat beside the hurt child as she cried.

Few words were used.

Simply presence while she experienced pain. A trust it would move through at its own pace as her body did what it needed to … and I was not to interfere with this process.

Any words used were based on what I noticed … with her breathing, her releasing tools through tears and noise, and that her body had a little tremble.

Any friends that came were asking me if I wanted a bandaid brought or someone from the First Aid room for extra help.

My response was to invite them to just sit with us.

Within a short time, her breathing had returned to normal, her bleeding knee had congealed, and all of us were laughing at funny stories that were being shared.

Now that calm had arrived, the dry blood was wiped and off everyone went.

I truly believe that there is a power in allowing the body to feel.

Yes, even pain.

Breathing, shaking, screaming, crying, running, and much more … can all be tools that enable release in the moment AND hence, no residual trauma.

Proposal:

Next time someone is in pain, can we sit with them in it? (as long as your safety is not compromised)

No rescuing, saving or stopping the body’s natural response to physical, emotional or psychological pain… and oops … no medicating!!!

Ah … our fear of pain in the early years may just be connected to the many addictions we have as adults that take us away from feeling … like alcohol, drugs, screens, sex, over eating, cleaning, smoking …

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Who can you speak your ‘no’ to?

My experience of SAYING “no” and RECEIVING “no” in some training with Ej Love a few years ago, had me break down in tears and remove myself from the activity….

I had had enough of the word “no”.

I was overwhelmed by its strangle hold on me!

So consumed by the hurt this word brought me, I came to unravel that it had actually stopped me from speaking into and owning my “no” to others, and hence, my “yes”!

Oh my goodness, where I have said “yes”, when my truth was actually “no”. But I couldn’t say that dreaded word!

I thought I might be seen as being disrespectful to others. I so did not want to hurt others by sharing what I wanted! Oh, that might be considered selfish … if I said what was my truth!

I came to see, that not owning my authentic “no” actually brought more hurt, more suffering, more pain, more confusion to not only myself but yes, the other person too!! … all whilst disempowering myself.

I did re-join the activity back then, only after some release work though.

It has been an ongoing journey in noticing where I can stand true to myself – especially in relationships with a parent or sibling or people in perceived “power” positions like a boss, teacher, or principal! Actually, I will add wife, husband, or partner here too!

As a child, I knew my authentic “yes” and “no”.

By those who thought they knew better, or thought they were training me to have a successful life, or teaching me to conform to keep order and control and be respectful … I learnt to leave myself to stay safe and loved!

Oh my gosh, little did I realise the damage this approach caused!!!!

 

I now see choice.

Choice to choose conformity to keep the peace with others, yet internal conflict with myself.

Or I can choose love for myself by standing by me, even if it means there is potential to lose a love or closeness with another.

If that love ends, I get to question was it really a love and closeness that valued my authentic self anyway?

Yet, no matter what, I have chosen to love myself. Honour myself.

Do I want to keep myself small, so others avoid their growth?

 

How someone else receives me, is there’s to own.

Heck, it can be scary and challenging, yet so totally freeing!!

https://beyondthebranches.com.au/